1 in 8 couples have trouble getting pregnant. Infertility is defined as not getting pregnant after having carefully planned, unprotected sex for one year. Infertility awareness has increased in past couple of years. People are more open about it , some are even sharing their stories of infertility, IVF, and miscarriage . It is awesome to see, and also so sad to see the number of people that are facing this (and that’s only the select few that are willing to get vulnerable and share.)
I was not one of those people. I faced infertility for 3 years. I heard stories from brave women and miracle stories that gave me hope, but I was not one of the few willing to share my story. I hid, prayed, felt like I would be judged for even trying when our life wasn’t perfect and figured out yet. This post isn’t to make anyone feel bad, to accuse anyone, or bash myself, but simply to share the story and chapter of life that I have been hiding for the past 3 years.
When we got married we said we would wait 3 years to have kids until I was out of college and had began a career. Just before our first anniversary we found ourselves with baby fever. We were ready to start trying. I got off of my birth control in May of 2018. That was strategically planned, because it would take 3 more months to for the birth control fully be out of my system and getting pregnant in August or September would put us at having a baby during the summer… at a time where I can be home for a few months with my newborn before starting my next semester of school. We had it all figured out. Or so we thought.
I scheduled an appointment with my OBGYN in December of 2018 because I still hadn’t started my period. I knew that not having a period by this point was not normal. Not to mention I had been reading all of the horror stories of people that tried after getting off of my specific birth control so I was a little on edge . The doctor gave me a pill that would kickstart my period and she even said that usually people get pregnant while taking this pill or just after finishing their dosage. I was finally hopeful again . My period came back at the exact timing she had told me, but it took a few months to regulate itself.
I think it’s funny looking back at all the goofy things I did when we first started trying. Before learning how to track my ovulations… or even the fact that I needed to do that, I was taking a pregnancy test every Tuesday before I left for work. We were so anxious about getting pregnant that we had to reassure ourselves on a weekly basis that we, indeed, were not pregnant. But the goofiness gets better… I still wanted it to be a surprise for Cody when this all started. I had a whole Pinterest board full of cute ways I wanted to tell him. So, the first negative test I got, I took a picture of. My plan: If one were to come up positive, I would send Cody a picture of the negative test (he would ask me what it said as soon as he woke up) and then shop for his announcement gifts during my lunch break. Yes I know, I think way too much into stuff and this probably got my hopes up way more than they ever needed to be this early on.
I finally gave up. The never ending negative tests had me dreading Tuesdays. I also felt like lots of money was being wasted, so I decided to only test when a period was late. Which did happen every now and then, even when the periods did regulate. Even if I was a day late, you better believe I had a test out. I got the butterflies every time and would even convince myself of fake pregnancy symptoms that I was “experiencing” just to get a negative test and be let down again.
We wanted to get pregnant naturally. We believed God had it in His hands, and during this time, we both went through phases of not knowing if we were ready anymore. In December of 2019, things finally calmed down again. We had now tried with regular periods and while tracking my ovulations for almost a year, so I figured it was time for another trip to my doctor. She ran some blood work on me to check my thyroid and my hormone levels. All of which came back with great numbers. I was healthy as far as the blood work was concerned.
More waiting. More trying. More negative tests. More of me delusionally thinking I saw that second line. More crazy fertility diets. I tried it all. It all failed me. I will admit that somewhere in 2019 I gave up. I actually didn’t want a kid anymore. I wanted to travel and felt a kid would get in the way and maybe that’s why we hadn’t had one yet. I got numb to the fact that we had tried so long and forgot how big of a deal it was. Most people would never wait this long before starting IVF or even seeing a fertility specialist.
We saw a fertility specialist in summer of 2020. Cody was healthy… obviously he wasn’t the issue. They did more blood work on me and got the same results. The next step that the doctor recommended was IUI. It was too expensive. Our insurance didn’t cover it, so I saved.
I finally told a couple of friends in August of 2020. I felt like our situation needed prayer. I knew God was working, but I needed that reassurance that I am not crazy, He is good, and this was all going to be okay.
In the process of saving, We decided to get the camper and put our dreams of being parents of hold for a couple of years. We would take this time to travel. I stopped tracking ovulations, stopped dieting, shoot! actually I tried to avoid getting pregnant.
Looking back now, this is one of the reasons why losing Zoey was so hard on us. She was there through it all. She was there to comfort me after every negative test. We decided to accept her as our child. We took her everywhere. Just like a kid. We spoiled her, got her gifts, we even cooked her meals sometimes, and got her special soft food to go with her kibbles. When we buried her, I remember Cody saying through his tears, “This isn’t fair. We can’t have a kid and now we lost the closest thing we have ever had to a kid.”
Once we found out we were pregnant, the math added up that we got pregnant just 3 days after Zoey passed. In the midst of one of the most difficult things we have ever been through, God gave us a miracle.
I will share more about how we found out later, the day of, telling our family, the whole shebang.
For now just know that negative test PTSD is a thing. Every time that I took a test, I was hopeful that it was going to finally be positive, but was never surprised when it wasn’t. I was numb to it. A little disappointed, but not sad anymore. Just numb. I thought that this was going to be the case when I took the test a couple of months ago. I didn’t even want to take the test. I wanted to wait until I was at least a week late because I just knew that I was going to start before that 7 days came. But 4 days after my period was supposed to start, Cody couldn’t take the suspense anymore and we had that anxious feeling. I think both of us at this point just wanted to confirm that it was negative so we didn’t get our hopes up for a whole week. We had no expectation of it being positive. Even after it came back with that bright blue plus sign, I just stood and stared. It couldn’t be right. This isn’t how the sequence goes. It’s supposed to be negative. Not because I didn’t want to be pregnant, but because I had built it up for years that a positive pregnancy test was not something that happened to us. But it did. And here we are with a babe the size of a lime just chilling in my tummy.
We still forget that I am pregnant. We still feel like parenthood is just a thing of our dreams, but it’s finally becoming our reality. God is good . It blows my mind even more that He did allow us to do this naturally, so there is no doubt that it is God who did this and this little peanut is a miracle.
So, there’s the past 3 years in a nutshell. I am sure I left out some stuff, but for the most part, I tried to be as open as I could, since I have been closed off the past 3 years of my life. I hope this post can help someone, can give someone in the midst of their infertility journey help and hope for the future.